Ecstatic. It’s been a wonderful day. A long sleep through the night in a tent, the sounds of the interstate roaring nearby, and an early waking to a dark, cool world. I’ve always liked the night, the feeling of it, the simple security it seems to offer. I suppose that’s why often I’m a nocturnal creature.
During the days, people yammer on and on, creating a world of cacophony and disorientation. It’s almost impossible to get a word in edgewise, to be heard clearly above the clatter and clutter that seems almost nonstop. People don’t listen during the day, either that or they simply can’t hear. But at night, they strain to hear the smallest sound. It’s almost as if they need the noise to survive, they have to hear it to be…hell, I don’t know, human?
At night, people will listen to me. They will listen to each other. They will listen out for another. Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism, as we all know the dark is ‘evil’ and ‘haunting’ and ‘dangerous’. I don’t think so though. It’s calm, comforting. You can hear everything that’s going on around you. You don’t have to worry about people coming up to you in your safe little spot. You can just relax.
At the campground when I arrived were two dogs that I can only assume to be jack/corgi crosses, long and low, but sharp and alert. Well trained, well mannered, well taken care of. I woke up about midnight, thinking I’d heard Einschlafen grunt to be let out. She’s at home…I get out of my tent to make the short hike to the restroom, and what do I find outside my tent but two dogs, laying silently, pricking their ears up as I unzip the panel to my tent. That hits hard. They follow me to the bathroom and back, taking guard back up outside of my door.
Why me?
This morning was one such morning. Packed up and on the road before the sun had even started to vault above the horizon, steadily gliding across the interstate with little ahead, little behind. Just how it should be. When you drive you have a lot of time to think. Perhaps too much. But it’s a different situation than just sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, slack-jawed and wore down. This is clear reflection. Everything I do when I drive is automated. Clutch, shift, gas, clutch, swerve, cuss, switch lanes, cuss some more. Nothing that needs to be thought about. No interruptions, no true responsibilities. Just keeping alive and letting scenarios and memories roll through your head.
V has always evoked strong memories. She’s a really fun person, good sense of humor, a bit of an ass, but always a pleasure to talk to…When you’re not deciding where to eat fucking lunch at. What do you wanna eat? Food. What kinda food. I don’t care. JESUS CHRIST, you sound like someone else I know. It was humorous to see a twig down a half pound hamburger, and surprising to say the least. More memories. Dear memories. Arguments over directions, laughs over beating her to her own residence, and she shows me around the student housing at her college. Amazing really, quite a lovely lil colony they’ve got rigged up, but evidently rent is abhorrent . A tour, some laughs at my character, memories, memories… And my visit is through. Some people really teach you about mistakes, staying strong, not letting one section of your life ruin the next. V was that person, unfortunately. Only through loss can some see what fools they have become, been, are, will be. You can only hope for some form of redemption. You can hope for more, but that is not anywhere under your control. Only by the grace of those who … who have every right to hate you.
It’s been an insanely fun day, one that I’ll think on for quite a while.
Maybe I’ll find my answer one day.
Maybe I won’t.
But what I do know, that if I do not, I cannot be allowed to feel sad. It was my fault. It was my mistake. And as much as I hate to do it, I must suffer the consequences of my actions. To truly call myself an honest human, maybe even a good person, I have to take that responsibility, and bear that burden and shame.
I stand.
I will face myself.
I will not run from myself.
I will not repeat the same mistakes.
I will not be a fool.
I will be a man.
I will be an honest one.
I will be honest with myself.
I will be honest with others.
Maybe this is my rite of passage? Hah, novel idea huh?
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