Rollin! Rollin! Rollin the whole world round...

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30.

I think I’ve almost been looking forward to this. An excuse to go a little crazy and cut loose. I know all the cute and inspiring motivational macros floating around on pinterest say I should do this daily, but I’m not normally that kind of person. You’ve got to have some downtime, some time to reflect on what really matters most to you, and the experiences you’ve manage to assail your brain with.

Admittedly, I’ve skimped on quite a few of those. But hey, why not a mid-life crisis?

As we were hanging under the canopy of a modern miracle 8,000 feet above the ground, I asked the guy I was strapped to “So, what do you in your spare time?” His reply;

“Don’t you see? This is it.”

Quaint.

One of the most majestic and all-encompassing views, day in, day out, is his for the taking. Over and over, the air rushing through his clothes and nose and the comforting support of absolutely nothing but gravity itself. To live that, to have that be so engrained into your muscle memory and mind, wow, what a deal. Being able to afford such a way of life, and to be so completely consumed in the preparation, the execution, and the afterglow of so many people’s amazement, I can’t help but think there is a sense of completeness that most of us do not know.

We experience, we enjoy…and then we grow tired.

Looking back, there’s a lot of time I wasted, sitting on my heels, just semi-content with the state of affairs of the world around me and inside of me. Yes, I regret that, but then again, I regret a lot of things. Tough shit. A life without regrets is a life without lessons, that or you’re not paying close enough attention to realize what the hell’s going on.  

I wonder if everything gets repetitive.

Anyways, back to that feeling of completeness.

Select *
from adhoc.dbo.fulfillment f
where f.id = ‘me’

I get a kick out of creation, I get a kick out of development, I get a kick out of learning. So, going forward, I think it would serve me (and hopefully that bank account) best if I concentrate on those 3 core values that seem to do it the most for me.

Pause this blog for a moment whilst I develop a beer run, create a transaction, and learn my love of hops again.

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“You’re old and basically married”
Well yeah, aren’t those two things most people strive for?

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And we’re back.

I wanted to address fear this year. I’ve always been a fearful person. From death to failure to snakes to rejection to this, that and the other thing, I’ve had adverse reactions to it all.

Personally, I’m not a big fan of open heights where my feet can’t be planted firmly on something. Rollercoasters for example. If they’re the traditional cart style coasters, I’m a-ok, there’s a sense of control and balance when I can dig my soles and toes in. Hanging coasters? Uh, fuck that. The stomach drop, the wait, the excruciating uncertainty of when the last click will click and the descent with 5,000 lbs of metal behind you will begin…never had a pleasant reaction to those.

They’ve been a thrill, but the wait kinda kills it for me.

Being hunched over, head sticking out the side of a single pop aircraft, seeing the fields, roads, treelines, streams, and my house down below gives a totally different feeling.

“Welp, this isn’t real.”

And then…you don’t fall, you don’t drop, you just…stop being inside the airplane. The wind rushing past your ears is better than any silence I have experienced. The drone of the airplane’s propeller is gone almost instantly, and you are left with an expansive view spreading out over miles and miles of terra.

And the clouds, oh the clouds. One of my favorite parts of flying was always being above the clouds, seeing how each level held to an almost invisible ceiling, as if having their tops lopped off by an ethereal knife, layered perfectly between fillings of crisp, clear nothing.  So to see this outside, past the double paned, scarred and scraped plexi-glass portholes that most Boeings have provided, it was definitely a treat that had my inner child was bouncing up and down and pointing.

“Look! Cloud! Pretty!”

Those 40-50 seconds of unadulterated freefall, staring in amazement will be some of the most cherished moments of my life. At that point, there is no fear, there’s nothing at all that worries or troubles you. You just enjoy the view and laugh.

I wonder if that’s what birds feel like day to day.

I know this has all been a bit meandering, sure, but all in all, after we landed, I hugged my sister, I kissed my girlfriend, and I went and had a smoke. Right then, right there, complete. Doing right by my own head and heart. Fulfilment. Fuck yeah.

So I guess this year is basically an honest attempt to get back on track. This is my iferror() goto. Well, that’s not fair. I’ve been on track for a while. This is a year to jump the tracks. There’s still a job, there’s still responsibilities, obligations, and duties.

But, have your cake and eat it to.