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I'm beginning to reevaluate my life. Again.It's 8 on a Friday night and I'm about to watch a student directed play. Willingly.
By myself.
I had an opportunity not to be, if I was able to think of something crazy and exciting to do.
I'm by myself.
I've made progress lately, struggling through small talks with strangers, almost eliminating the quiver in my voice. I've forced myself to attend things, just to see if anyone would initiate. I've started working out, different activities to maybe find someone with common interests so maybe I'd have at least a few consistant social nights or days or hours.
I've offered a few to hang out, to grab a drink, to go do something. Anything. Nerve wracking. And still.
Here I am. Myself.
The small talk appeals to them. And if it is reciprocated, I guess I give mediocre responses.
Events, plays, gatherings, bands. Filling the calendar in a day at a time. Yet they don't last, or the points of interest leave.
I climb. Three or four times a week. When there's no one around to see my arms give out.
I swim. When there's no one to see me flounder and gasp for breath.
Even when the timing's wrong, the interests are fleeting.
Shot down. Ignored. Subtle or persistent. No Interest. No Payoff.
I've changed my outlook, my demeanor, crushed part of the shyness. Time to change the physical. No one appreciates someone who is their own. They want streamlined. Consistent.
If not just to make myself more approachable. I've noticed that the only time someone will willingly speak to me is if they're completely trashed or if my dog's around. Capitalize on that shit.
But I'll give it all more time, but the appearance has to go. To evolve. And will it still be me? Of course. I am whatever I turn into.
But now I've turned, and I'm beginning to see the differences, good and bad. But it doesn't matter. The old way didn't work. Maybe the new way will. Or the way after that. It's a constant evolution, and I desperately need to change.
Why? Because god damnit, I will get what I want.
And you can take that to the fucking bank.
